Editor’s note: This article discusses physical and sexual assault along with suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to one of the supports listed at the bottom of this article.
Hello, I am Christian Kilpert.
I am mostly judged by my outer appearance — people just assume that with my high energy and can-do attitude that I am always happy but that isn’t really true at all. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I get a lot of hate, mostly through social media, and it really hurts me and makes me feel unwanted in society. People like to point out all my flaws without seeing my good side. They see the attention-seeking, skinny, f—t, hated kid; but what people don’t like seeing is my true self. They don’t want to see the kind me, the compassionate me, the me who doesn’t like when others are feeling down.
The assumptions people make about me just hit me really hard because I try to be a good person, but apparently my kindness is not wanted by the same people who like to hurt me. On the inside, I really love everyone but the judgement I get from people makes it really hard to show compassion and love, and I feel that no matter what I do it’s never gonna be enough to please people who ridicule me and call me an abomination.
Growing up in Southie wasn’t really tough until I became a school kid. I was bullied from second grade all the way up to eight grade due to me acting effeminate; I would be called a girl or a clown and people would try to physically harm me. Other kids started gathering in groups to laugh at me and ridicule me. I had very few friends because everyone else just hated me no matter how kind I was.
The one friend that stuck with me was Kevin, who I knew from second grade to fourth grade. But in October of fourth grade he passed away even though it seemed like he was getting better, and it just destroyed me inside. Losing my friend set me back, and other kids would call me a little b—h constantly.
When I turned 12, I was sexually assaulted at an afterschool program. It was just horrible and people were mocking me for running out the class crying. I told one of my friends and somehow word got around, which led to me being made fun of for “letting myself get sexually assaulted.” I was once asked if I was gay and if I enjoyed it. When I stood up for myself, I was the one who got in trouble, so I was left alone after teachers turned their backs, being made fun of for being a victim of sexual assault. That just made me feel like I had no reason to express myself if it’s going to cause nothing but emotional damage.
I hope that reading this will make people realize that someone wearing a mask to hide their true feelings doesn’t mean that they are happy with how life treats them. If you see someone who is hiding parts of themself, you should try being there for them and understanding the hurt they go through. Too many kids kill themselves due to the treatment of others as a way to escape their pain. If you can be someone’s friend, they can be a bit happier knowing someone has their back
That’s how I felt meeting my best friend Emma. Emma is the sweetest person I’ve ever met and she is always there for me. She would never hurt me, she is my guardian angel and I am lucky to have her. I hope people can find their own Emma and forget about their troubles, worries and pain they go through so they can fulfill their dreams and ambitions and finally experience the fruits of life.
For a list of Massachusetts resources for survivors of sexual assault, visit this resources page on the Mass.gov website.
In Boston, you can get support from the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center by calling 800.841.8371 or visiting their website. Nationwide, you can reach RAINN’S survivor hotline by calling 800.656.4673 or by visiting their online chat.
If you are interested in mental health treatment, you can research options and apply for financial support using the To Write Love on Her Arms Find Help Tool.