I know that I should be excited to go back to school, I mean I am a senior now and I’m going to graduate, but no matter what I tell myself I know it won’t be the same. This isn’t only because of COVID-19 but because I’ll be alone again. Everyone who gave me a reason to show up to school every day is now gone, they’ve moved on to college and I’m still stuck here. If it wasn’t already bad enough that I hate the school, now I’ll have to go through those crowded halls all alone, I’ll be spending lunch in the library so I won’t have to try and talk to new people. This is fine I’ve had to do it before, the worst part is knowing that when that final bell rings I’ll go down to the main entrance but nobody will be waiting for me, yelling my name across the room because there are so many people I can’t see where they are, not being able to complain about having to go to work and having someone try to convince me to not go. Instead of walking to the train station in between my two best friends, laughing and talking about the crazy things that happened in class, I’ll be listening to my music and walking alone. I try to look at the bright side of things but that has never been something easy for me to do. I don’t want things to change but I know this is how life works, and honestly, it was going to happen eventually.
I am the most impulsive and indecisive person I know. It comes into every aspect of my life but the area most affected by it is my planning, especially planning my future. Since I was 10 my plans of what I wanted to do with my life have changed drastically, the first interest was law, then it changed to something completely different which was photography, and now it’s photojournalism. Yes, I know that everyone’s ideas and plans for the future change but that rarely ever happened to me. I was set on becoming a lawyer for almost five years, and then out of nowhere, I started photography. No don’t get me wrong I love it but I was never creative so the idea of being a photographer was crazy to me. Almost three years later and I have changed yet again; I’ve always loved writing but I never thought I’d go anywhere with it, and here I am now with my intended major of journalism/photojournalism. I’ve always been a planner and so when that plan began to change and crumble so did I. Every day I question if this is a good idea and even if it is something I love, is it something I can make a career out of to support myself?
People love to call me crazy for staying up super late at night, sometimes even until the sun rises. The night has always given me comfort, it’s the only time of day where I’m not being rushed to do something and it’s just always quiet and the only thing you hear is that little buzzing noise that everything electric makes. But the best thing about the night is driving through the empty streets in the city, all the lights passing by, and just feeling free. I always think about that tunnel scene from “The Perks Of Being a Wallflower” where he stands up on the back of the truck while it’s being driven, I always wanted to recreate that scene, but of course, my best friends are old ladies and go to sleep at 10 p.m.
But the night isn’t just great for recreating main character movie scenes, being able to look up at the sky and just see it full of stars is something so beautiful.
I may have a spending problem especially when it comes to books. Yes, I have about 20 unread books, do I need more? Probably not. But do I want more? Yes. Just like movies and tv, books are entertainment and distract you from the reality of this world, but with books, you are brought into a completely different world. Mentally I am in Hogwarts living my best life with the golden trio and going on adventures, but physically I’m in my dark little room hurting my back by staying in bed all day.
Maybe it’s just me but when I’m reading I feel like I’m in that setting. Unlike movies where you can see exactly what is happening in front of you with books, you have to use your imagination. I think the reason I love reading so much is that I can finally use my imagination. Sure I sometimes use it in my photography but with books, I’m put into a whole new world that I could have never imagined on my own. I may never let people know that I read books because they make fun of me and question if I am mentally ok, but I do love it and I think people should read more, it is proven to make you smarter also.