I still have no clue what I want to be

Entry 1

Dear Diary— Wait no, that’s cliche. 

I’m currently trying to think of ideas for diary entries right now, but my brain is lacking any ideas. At first, I thought I should talk about money, you know, the bane of all evil? I was going to talk about my spending habits and how I regret my purchases after I make them, but it began to sound like an opinion piece rather than a diary entry. I’ve never had a diary before either, so I have no idea how to start this. Wait, how about tape recordings like in those horror survival films? 

It is currently 2:39 p.m. and so far there are no signs of paranormal activity — Yeah this isn’t gonna work. I can’t pretend to see something I don’t believe in. I’m going to take a nap to see if any ideas come to me. 

I am still laying in my bed, half-awake, trying to churn out ideas as the standard iPhone texting noise continues to ring in my ears as I type. My limbs feel like noodles yet the thumbs I’m using to type feel like leather. The sound of my brother’s anime suddenly echoes throughout the living room, making it hard for me to focus on any other details in front of me. Even the iPhone texting noises are drowned out by the sound of anime. I guess he’s watching an action anime because of the grunts — oh nope it’s a slice of life.

Okay, maybe I can’t do this. I’ve tried typing and cutting the above paragraph for minutes now. This, my friends, is an example of writer’s block. 

After rolling in bed for who knows how long, my brain has become smooth, evidence of my intelligence and creativity are dropping. The general phrase is used when someone is lacking and that is me, I am lacking. When I’m working for SJI, I feel like I should just be myself in my pieces. I began to notice a pattern of getting personal with many of my pieces and pouring my heart out into them. Maybe I’m doing the same here? I have no idea what to write yet I am sharing how lost I am in the most unfiltered way I can. Maybe I can think of something better tomorrow? Who knows. 

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Entry 2

Oftentimes, I find myself roleplaying because it provides an escape from reality. My roleplaying hobby ranges from characters I made up for fictional worlds to canon characters from franchises. I’m not a LARPer (live-action roleplayer, for those who don’t know). It’s not a hobby I reveal to people when I first meet them, mainly because I’m scared to be judged. If you are judging me right now, I can’t tell and I won’t ever know. I do my own thing and you do yours as long as we aren’t hurting anyone. Now, a little exemplar: 

Dear Diary, 

Ayaka Kamisato, present. My friend Thoma has recently informed me of the traveler’s arrival. I desired to greet him in person as a courtesy of being the Yashiro commission’s female head, but alas Thoma had prevented me from doing so. He talked about the traveler’s curiosity about me, Ayaka Kamisato. To think that the traveler was also curious of me as I am curious of them. Ah, proceeding on, Thoma was giving the traveler a little test to see if the traveler had truly lived up to their name. The hero who was able to prevent the nation of contracts, Liyue, from being decimated. The one who was able to defeat Stormterror in the city of freedom. 

Ah yes, freedom. Something that Inazuma’s people so desperately desire. Ever since the Vision Hunt Decree began, so many vision bearers were stripped of their hopes and desires. Although I still have my vision, my heart pains at the thought of losing it just like my people did. My vision is only an added perk to my sword style, but the precious memories and ambitions within it hold all of its meaning. To retrieve my people’s visions, I must devise a plan to end the vision hunt decree, but the power I have as of now isn’t enough to stop them. Yoimiya is still hiding vision bearers and the resistance seems to be standing their ground, but I fear that they won’t have much longer. No, I shouldn’t be pessimistic about this. I am not ready to hand in my people’s ambitions nor am I ready to give up on them. Anything to stop the hunting decree, I will do the best of my ability to support them. 

Back to the traveler, it seems if the rumors happened to be true, according to Thoma. Although, Thoma did inform me that the traveler wasn’t here to help our cause. It is unfortunate, but I cannot give up. What could I do to change their heart? If I show them the effects of the decree, will it work? If all else fails, begging might be the last option I’ll have. It is selfish of me, I know, but it is worth trying. If such a traveler had the power to save two nations, our nation could be the third. 

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Entry 3

Dear Diary,

I still have no clue what I want to be. I’m already a junior and I don’t know what colleges I’m aiming for or what jobs I want to do in the future. I always find myself pushing these thoughts at the back of my head and ignoring them until the very last minute. I know it’s not a good thing to do, especially if the choices are going to shape your entire future, but the fear of failure is creeping close to me. 

I told my parents I wanted to be an artist — yes, I’m fully aware of how little artists get paid. I’ve been told that several times by not only family but friends as well. Drawing breathes life into me when I’m feeling out of it and I’m proud of the artistic progress I’ve made throughout the years. Heck, I even chose an art class over a science class. 

Back to the point, my parents said, and I quote, “We’ll support whatever job that makes you happy.” Yet every time I mention art they tell me it’s a phase. It makes me frustrated, knowing that the amount of money I make will shape my family’s future. Knowing that student debts will be paid slowly, knowing that family members will gossip about me and my job, knowing that disappointed tone my parents use. 

Even if I try to calm myself down, I can’t help but compare myself to cousins and friends. They already have ideas on what to do with their future while there’s me who’s constantly stuck in the past. 

I’m still lost on what to do. Should I settle on something more academic like mathematics or writing? Should I give up on art entirely? Should I incorporate it all into my career choices? I wonder what I can do and I’ll continue to ponder this. 

Entry 4

I don’t understand it myself. Quite frankly, this is the first time I’m experiencing this. I thought throughout the week, whether or not to write about this and if I can even form my worries into words. Even though I’m trying to fit the classic show don’t tell formula, all I can do is share with you my raw emotions. 

You can’t tell whether or not I hit backspace on my writing because everything will be reviewed before submitted. Whether I do it now or in the paragraph above, you won’t know. 

My dad has cancer in his body. I don’t know where and frankly I don’t want to know, mainly because it’ll only stir up the existing worries in my head. I’ve heard of other family members getting cancer, though they were family members in Vietnam or other states. I always thought about what it would feel like for other relatives to find out that someone they’re close with is diagnosed with a scary disease. Now I know. 

I remember the time he told me about cancer in his body. How my grandparents were scolding him due to worry. I remember cousins messaging me to see if I was alright. Honestly, I was overwhelmed. Cancer was a scary word to hear especially when you know it’s associated with a lot of deaths. 

My dad isn’t in the state where he has to be hospitalized or receive any kind of therapy. Rather, he’s having surgery tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. sharp to remove cancer from his body. Right now, he’s only eating liquids such as soup or porridge. It must not taste very good. My dad is just as worried as me. I can tell, although he doesn’t show it. He acts like it’s all fine, even when he was diagnosed, but I don’t think that way. 

I know he’s trying to not make me worry so much, but as the daughter of such a hardworking and loving father, I can’t help but be worried. What if something goes wrong and I never see him again? I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but the worries are making me. I just want my dad to be healthy again.

Jazlynn Truong