Early life crisis

Entry 1

I truly envy people who are fearless when driving. The fact that someone can be so at ease when navigating a vehicle and the chaotic road is just so astonishing to me. I don’t know what it is, but whenever I’m behind the wheel my hands become sweaty and my muscles completely tense up. The car is so silent that all you can hear is my heavy breathing as my dad watches me carefully. I think what worries me most is crashing, the mere thought of getting into an accident plagues me with fear. It happens so quickly, in the spur of the moment the world becomes black and the future is nowhere in sight. As much as driving fills me with endless anxiety, I find that it is one of the only places where I am forced to focus with all my will. There are not many moments in life where we receive the luxury to be fully present like this. I think this is the way I want to live life, keeping my eyes on the road and looking ahead. And when I’m finally able to meet the wheel confidently, I plan to drive to the prettiest beach in all of Massachusetts. I’ll roll my windows down and blast Young Forever by BTS until the sun parts ways with the sky.  However, for the sake of world peace, I think I’ll put a hold on getting my license for now.

Entry 2

This summer has been the busiest summer of my life. For the first time, it feels like I’m putting myself back out there again which makes me feel elated. I’m talking to new people on a daily, trying new things, and challenging myself. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve felt this way. In the past, I treated summer as a reset button. As soon as the last day of school was over, I would begin planning every moment for the next school year.  Summer has always been my time to rest, recharge, and better myself, but this time around it feels like I can barely catch a break. I honestly thought I would be happier with a busier schedule as I always complain about not being productive enough but I think I just fell victim to the “hustle” mindset. With college applications just a year away, I felt that this would be a crucial summer for me to build up my resume. I wanted to push myself further than I ever had before because in reality I truly had no idea what I was capable of. However, I neglected the most important thing, my well-being. I didn’t make space for myself or my desires. Nor did I plan enough beach days or late-night boba runs. With a little over a month left, I hope I’ll be able to make more of these memories. And instead of resetting, from now on, I want summer to be a season of pure bliss.

Entry 3

Whenever I’m out in nature I’m reminded of how beautiful our world truly is, amidst all the chaos. Today I visited my mystical place known as my backyard for a mindfulness activity. I think the morning is the perfect time to be with nature. The sky greets us in a radiant shade of blue, and the sun has risen to the perfect degree, peaking out to say hello. Though I often visit, I’m usually accompanied by my wireless earbuds which fill my ears with pure bliss. This time around I tried to pay extra attention to the sensations around me. The little things that often go unnoticed, today I wanted to acknowledge them. As the sun shone down on my melanin skin, I grazed my fingers across the bark of my favorite tree. I wanted to give the tree a warm hug as well, but as soon as I opened my arms I spotted evil insects marking their territory. I dashed as far as I could but they managed to catch and attack me for what felt like an hour. After the unexpected assault,  I slid my sandals off my feet and planted my toes on the fresh, dewy grass. I’m sure my neighbors found this strange but it’s one of my favorite rituals to do. When my bare feet touch the grass It’s almost as if I can feel the energy from the earth itself, it’s truly magical. I want to spend more of my time with the greens of the world. The green that comforts and holds me. 

Entry 4

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the kind of life I want to live. Normally, when you ask people this sort of question they always say, “I wish to be happy.” There are probably millions of shooting stars that have heard this very wish. The thing is that people equate happiness with various things. For one person happiness could mean being surrounded by loved ones. For another, happiness could mean success and accomplishments. Happiness has many names.

It might be greedy for me to say, but I want to live more than a happy life. I want to live a life where I can grow old and say I lived. I want to look at my galaxy graciously with no feeling of regret, just warmth. The kind of warmth that cannot be described because it itself is so precious. More than anything, I hope to experience as many walks of life as I can. I want to learn the hearts of many different kinds of people. And like a fairy, I’ll leave each one with a sprinkle of my love. I think life is more beautiful when seen through the eyes and the mind. So, I want to travel to various places and countries. I hope to learn how people across our world live.

Along with true happiness being our dream, it is also our biggest fear. What if we never reach such levels of happiness? What happens then? I often have these kinds of thoughts; I wonder if I’m being too unrealistic. However, why does happiness have to be something we constantly look forward to? What is it about my life now that I’m not content with? It’s almost like every five business days, I go through an internal struggle where I ask myself these questions. I think a truly happy person is one who loves what he or she has. From now on, I will make a more consistent effort to live like this, to live with a lighter heart.