Early December reflections

Past

Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make…

I — I was excited for… online school! 

Ew, I know! But it’s the truth. I had told myself that I would do better than I did in the spring. I cleaned off my desk, moved my laptop into my room. I did laundry and cleaned for school! I was determined to be a good student, regardless of everything going on around me (i.e. COVID-19, quarantine, and some personal issues) and that shocked me. I do care about my education, but certain things about school add on to how emotionally overwhelmed I get.

Basically, I’m trying to say that at some point during the fall, school was starting to become very draining. I found myself being so miserable and extremely moody all the time, especially during lectures. I knew one of the reasons I wasn’t having the best time during my lectures was because I dislike — no, I hate when teachers talk about things that have absolutely nothing to do with the lesson. I hate that with a burning passion! I get that they’re trying to make things more “engaging,” but all I need is my work and some simple directions. If, and only if, I am absolutely lost or I don’t understand what the work is, then I’ll ask for help (which is very rare because I like to push myself to figure things out on my own). 

I always end up ranting about school… 

Anyways, come mid-to-late October, I stopped going to classes. I collected missing assignments like they were rare Pokemon cards, binge-watched the CW’s “Black Lightning” (again), and ignored everyone who dared to message me. Oh, and don’t get me started on all the phone calls I received via cell phone AND house phone. You’d think I had just threatened to commit mass murder or something. 

This little “break” lasted for about two or three weeks, and then I ended up going back to class two weeks before Thanksgiving “break.” Though I didn’t participate, I did do some work… maybe not to the best of my ability, but hey, at least I turned something in. 

I think I’ll end this here, but next time I want to talk a little bit more about why I’m…the way I am? I want to give you a better explanation than just “school is stressful” because school isn’t the only thing that’s affecting me. 

Until then, I’m going to make a sammich (that’s literally how I say “sandwich” now… I got it from a tv show, don’t judge me!)

-Amir

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Present

Dear Diary,

It’s officially that time of year again! No, I don’t mean Christmas, though it is December and people already have their trees up. 

No, I meant it’s the time of year when I lock myself in my closet and cry until February. 

Last time I wrote to you, I told you about how I… became “moody” during my fall classes, but I didn’t tell you the full reason. You see, the same thing happens to me, every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas, but as soon as Valentine’s day comes around, I’m back to being myself. 

Now, keep in mind that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the main two holidays when you’re surrounded by blood relatives, or I suppose you can call them “family.” I don’t want to go too into detail because this is very personal, but let’s just say that because of how my family has acted, past and present, I no longer feel connected to them. They are now just a group of people I share a last name with. 

I suppose one could say I’m overreacting or being irrational, but pain and heartbreak can cause people to do seemingly-crazy things in an effort to protect themselves moving forward. 

Holidays are supposed to be fun, but when you’re stuck in such a toxic household filled with people you no longer associate with, it’s the most miserable experience. That’s why school became so awful and overwhelming to me. Being forced to participate in remote-learning and online school due to Covid-19 trapped me in this house, surrounded by people I desperately want to flee from. I dreaded being in the environment that I am currently in and I ended up dreading everything that bound me to that environment — school, “family,” everything. 

I still dread being here, but I turn 18 next year (2021) and I plan on doing so many things this coming summer. Hopefully all of my work will pay off and I’ll be out of this house, living my best life with my best friend and my partner. 

Until next time… 

-Amir‍

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Future

Dear Diary,

I’m always thinking about the future, so much so that I often forget to focus on the present. I tend to think about all the things I want to do with my life, all the beautiful people I want to surround myself with, and all of the positions and jobs I aspire to have. I also think about the type of person I want to become and how this change could affect those around me. 

Thinking has always been my strong suit… 

In the future, I want to leave my toxic family behind and focus on growing my small circle. Right now I have two, maybe three people I trust with my life. But moving forward, I want at least three more. I also intend on starting a family at some point, but not any time soon. 

I’d love to travel the world with my best friend, or at least take her to Italy and sigh everytime she stops to take some pictures. Though I don’t show it, seeing her eyes light up as she finds some beautiful creature to capture on film makes me happy. Seeing her smile and laugh despite all that she’s been through is what helps keep me going. I want to see her smile more in the future.

There’s this girl, I won’t go into too many details, but I will say that she’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, if she decides that she wants the same. I want to help her heal, and I want to show her the wonders of love; genuine love.

This is getting too sappy and off-topic, so… NEXT!

In the future I want to become an author and have at least five books published. Hopefully they’ll do well, but if nobody likes them then just knowing I published five books is more than enough to satisfy me!

I will write stories about the hardships I experienced and witnessed and talk about the impact those hardships had on me, the people around me, and our lifestyles. My goal is to inform and inspire others of all the bad (and good) in the world, and encourage them to help change the way that things are. 

Finally, I want to give a child or a few children a beautiful home where they will be loved and valued. I know I’m “too young to understand” what that means fully, but I know that I don’t want my children to grow up feeling the way I did. I don’t ever want them to feel like they’re not important, not good enough, not pretty enough, or like they’re mistakes because they’re not. They’ll be some of the most beautiful beings, inside and out. It doesn’t matter if I push them out or sign legal documents, they’ll be my children and I’ll love them for whoever they decide to be.

That’s all I’d like to share on this topic for now, but in the future I’ll tell you more.

Thanks for listening, “Diary”, and… sorry for the rambling. 

-Amir