Chaos in my mind

Entry 1

Every night, I toss and turn in bed thinking about the same thing: college. It’s never something I’ve given serious thought to before. After all, it seemed so far away. But now, as my main college essay is due on the first day of school & the common app supplements are released, I feel a sense of panic and urgency. It’s happening! I’m going to apply to college in like TWO months. Every time I think about it, my heart starts racing and I just feel so nervous. I try taking deep breaths and calming myself down; after all, I don’t have anything at all to worry about quite just yet. 

Anyways, lately, I’ve started reading to help with my overall stressed-out state. It’s definitely helped. I just finished reading “The Outsiders” which I read for the first time all the way back in seventh grade. I enjoyed it. Right now I’m reading “​​Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City” by Matthew Desmond. It’s about the poverty trap and a truly eye-opening book on how poverty is a cycle. I’m also reading “Emma” by Jane Austen. I read “Pride and Prejudice” in school for my research paper and enjoyed it, so I decided to give “Emma” a try. So far, I love it. 

Entry 2

It’s only July, and I’ve already been thinking about the first day of school for weeks now. I know school starts in September, and I really shouldn’t be thinking about it yet, but I have a habit of thinking about things way too early. I’m already thinking about my outfit, my schedule, my teachers, which friends I’m going to have classes with, and which lunch rotation I’ll have. And for once in my life, I’m not feeling any anxiety or stress about the first day of school. Usually, I get excited about it, but I do get a little stressed as well. Not this year though. I am purely excited. I never thought the idea of school would make me this happy, and I’m clinging to this excitement because I know it won’t last. I know that as soon as the tests, quizzes, and waking up at 6 a.m. after going to sleep at 3 a.m. start happening, I will go back to my loathing of school. I think I have such excitement for school because I’m so far removed from the absolute horrors of in-person school. It’s been so long since I’ve had to sit and take three tests back to back or try to keep my eyes open after pulling an all-nighter. So I guess for right now, I’m focusing on enjoying feeling so positive for school. I can’t wait. 

Entry 3

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about covid and what happened this past year and a half and how I’ve changed from it. To put it simply, it was awful for me and I wish it had never happened. I miss how happy and carefree I was before it. During quarantine, for the first time in my life, I felt truly and genuinely lonely. I think a lot of people did. I’m someone who was always surrounded by a bunch of people, and someone who always needed to be around friends to be happy. The thought of spending a weekend without seeing my friends horrified me. Once covid hit, everything changed. It did for everyone, but I feel like it had an extraordinary impact on my life that it didn’t have on anyone else (of course, this is just my teenager brain being dramatic and thinking I have it worse than everyone.) I had to learn how to be ok with being alone. I actually had to be with myself, spend time with myself. At first, it was ok. Yeah, I was bored and lonely but so was everybody else, so I sucked it up. Then, around May, all my friends and the people around me started hanging out again and seeing people. I couldn’t. I live with my mom and grandma, both of whom are at high risk of getting severely sick of covid. They did not allow me to see any friends until February when they were both fully vaccinated with no exceptions except for that one time in July I was allowed to see my best friend for 10 minutes with a mask and more than six feet apart. I resented my parents for this. I blamed them for my deteriorating mental health, my loneliness, my lack of motivation, everything. It was a dark time. And although I wish I never had to suffer through it, I learned a lot: how to be more confident in myself, how to be happy with myself, how to spend time with myself and enjoy it. The past year and a half were tough, but I’m grateful for the lessons I learned.

Entry 4

I think about a lot of things all the time. I mean, my mind is constantly racing with so many thoughts, but as soon as I try to get them down on paper I totally blank! 

But I guess I’ll try to put down what goes on in my chaotic brain: 

1. One of the things I’ve been thinking about is my SATs. I need to take them in August and it’s stressing me out. I’ve been doing well in my practice tests, but I’m scared I’m going to nerve out and do really badly on the real thing. It’s not the content that’s hard, but trying to maintain stamina. I’ve always been bad at staying focused for long periods of time. I’m trying to figure out strategies.  
2. The other thing I’ve been thinking about is my career. I’m pretty sure I want to major in linguistics in college, but I’m still trying to figure out what I actually want to do career-wise after that. I’m not stressed about this, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Probably too much. 
3. Lately, I’ve been watching “Dawson’s Creek.” It’s a good show but sometimes I need to take a break from it because the characters make me so angry.