Should I be glad or sad that time is passing? I should be glad that time is passing, so this quarantine can feel like a dream. But I don’t know if I should be sad since it’s being wasted on pass time activities like video games and YouTube. Maybe I’m being hard on myself, especially since COVID ruined my plans of socialization and exploration. Or maybe, I’m not being harder on myself. I should be trying to do something like gardening or writing or something productive. But, if I mess up in doing something new, it would have been for nothing. I promised myself I would decide today, but I guess I’ll leave this problem for tomorrow again. Besides, didn’t some guy say, “Time is an illusion.” But, does it really matter if it’s an illusion because this bipolar feeling of sadness and carefree-ness seems very real to me. I mean, what can I really do to solve this? Well, I could wait till this thing’s over by… what month did my parents tell me again? Oh yeah, October! So, until then, I’ll put this issue aside and enjoy my free time. Hmm… maybe I’ll play Super Smash Bros for another 4 hours, just to still be garbage at the game!
Time. Who knew that it’s the easiest thing to burn (well, and money). What happened to the freedom of pursuing a hobby? What happened to using time for something productive? All that free time and all I have to show for it is having 60 hours on Super Smash Bros? I can’t write well. I can’t garden because it’s freezing cold outside. I can’t even do something productive because I’m in school. Dang. What happened to me? In freshman year, I had so many plans and goals. I wanted to get better at writing back then. I wanted to learn something new like cooking and gardening back then. So many things I wanted only to get eaten by time, no, by me. I wasted my potential, my time. I wish I could get that time back to be a better me, but I can’t. You know what? I’m tired of complaining to myself. Tired of always thinking about the past. Tired from thoughts of what I should’ve, could’ve, and haven’t done. Maybe, I should try to better myself right now. Maybe, I should try to get better at writing. I could try asking someone for a few writing tips.
When was the last time I felt proud of myself? The only time I can think of is when my mom said I was a handsome boy. Other than that, it was when I started to try to get better at the things that matter to me, like writing. Wow, it makes my chest feel lighter. Or maybe that’s because I’m writing this while laying on the floor. Well anyway, I feel proud of myself. It’s just so baffling to me how the things that I thought would waste my time, my effort, and pleasure, are the things that give me fulfillment. Maybe it was in my head. Or maybe it was time. “Time is an illusion.” Maybe it really is an illusion because it is the thing I wanted to preserve and enjoy for as long as I could. But in reality, it is being wasted constantly and lives in the moment. I fell for that illusion. I avoided being productive, to avoid losing the irreversible present of eventual memory. And now, I have the memories of a summer with COVID and a winter with COVID. But I’m kind of greedy because I want more memories like the winter; more memories of fulfillment.