Is independence overrated?

Entry 1:
Dear Diary,

I´m not going to lie.

I didn’t mind at first that we were going into quarantine.

I’m a pretty independent person so being at home working on school work did not seem all that bad. 

Then it hit me.

I have two siblings which I thought I could handle, since when I come home from a normal school day I find I can still get stuff done without being distracted.

BUT that is not the case at all. Dealing with them 24/7 every day of the week is like a nightmare..

I turned 18 during this quarantine and honestly I don’t know how to feel. I didn’t feel any change in myself. All I know was I woke up pretty sad from scrolling through social media and seeing everything about George Floyd. 

Though times are not looking the best right I found some positive outlooks. I rearranged me and my sisters room about four times, I became a pescatarian and I finally got my driver’s permit.

Being a pescatarian is kind of hard. I didn’t realize before taking on this journey that my dad was going to torture me so much. Don’t get me wrong, the challenge of only eating fish and not any other meat is fun, but not when the smell of it is right in front of me.

During this quarantine I have also learned a lot of new things about my natural hair, but just because I know a lot about it does not make it any easier to deal with. I have bought so many products that I think I can open my own hair store. 

Entry 2:

Dear Diary,

Today was a chill day. It was not amazing, but it was not the worst. To start off my day I ate the most scrumptious avocado toast with egg. Everything just blended together creating an amazing way to start off the day. While eating breakfast I watched some shows that I would not get to usually watch if I was in school. It was great being able to just sit and be one with myself.

After a smooth morning I sadly had to jump into schoolwork. Ahh it’s so dreadful and just sucks all the energy from you. I don’t understand why we still have work to do at the time of the year when it should be a break. Reading books that my soon-to-be teachers made me read made me feel like it was going by slower and slower. The words started mashing together making the experience even more tiresome. Finally I finished those three chapters and I felt like I was free.

With reading done I was left doing absolutely nothing, which again is a great feeling, but that didn’t last for long. My mom came into my room with the brightest idea. Working out. Working out?I haven’t worked out since soccer season and let me tell you that was grueling. It left me with pain in my legs for days. Sitting down was like a new task that I had to learn how to do. But I could not let my Mom down, so I got up and did her workout which was actually not too bad. Of course I took multiple breaks, but hey at least I did it.

To end this day I went driving with my dad. Since I have my permit now he decided to put me behind the wheel. At first I was super confident, slowly walking to the right side of the car and easing myself into the seat naturally. Then I looked up and my confidence level dropped down to a three. I think my dad could see the fear and alarm in my face, and he quickly buckled his seat belt. In the end though, I ended up doing pretty well and got the hang of it. 

Entry 3:

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up wondering what my future would look like. Thinking about the future always makes me have knots in my stomach because when I think of it I think of independence. That word sounds really good to teenagers, but not to me. I don’t really understand how just a couple of years ago these thoughts never crossed my mind. Now it’s slapped in my face everyday as I get closer and closer to crossing the finish line of high school.  

It’s weird to say, but I do have a fear of independence. I have never been the type of person who wants to get out of their parents’ house so bad. For some reason now I do. It makes me wonder if it’s like an internal time clock inside me saying that it’s time to let go. That’s a scary thing when you have never really spent more than a week away from home. This is not even the only scary thing I need to do. I need to be sure of myself that the next steps I take after high school are the right ones for me. 

I don’t want to be stuck for the rest of my life being unhappy or unfilled. I want to do things differently than my parents. They have good jobs, but still seem to lack all the happiness they deserve to achieve. I know my parents don’t want me to feel the same thing they feel. I think that’s why I’m so afraid of independence. I don’t want to gain it and then make the same mistakes.