Emotions about leaving

January 23rd  

I am sitting on a chair with my sister and her children. My sister is preparing fish for cooking. I am talking with my niece. My phone rings. I see that my dad calls me. I receive the call and call my dad “ABBU.” 

“MOYNA, you just received your visa from the US embassy,” he says.

“What?” I say.

My sister is scared. She says, “What happened?”

 “Apu,” I say. “I received my visa from the US embassy.” 

“Give the phone to your sister,” my dad says. 

My niece is just huge and crying. 

“Don’t cry,” I say to her. “We dreamed that I will live with my parents,” I say. 

Now we all are happy that finally, I got my visa. Everyone is calling me on my phone and the only word is “Congratulations.” I talk with all of my siblings over the phone. While talking with everyone I notice that everyone is happy but they are sad too. The reason for their sadness is that I am leaving them.

January 27th 

Today I am going to my village with my brother and sisters. I am so happy that I am going to see my Grandma. We are in a CNG (a motor vehicle). I am seeing how the CNG is going sweetly. The fresh air comes in and touches my body. (“How nice is my village?” I think.) People respect each other, education, beauty, a clean society, friendship, etc. In my mind, I have arrived home. My Grandma is sitting on a chair in front of the door of my home. 

“How are you, Grandma?” 

“I am fine, how are you?” Grandma says. “Please eat and take a rest.” 

My grandma says to me, “Will you forget me when you will be in the USA?” 

“No way, I will not, you are my grandma. Just pray for me. Now I have to leave.”

“I am praying for you always that you will arrive in the USA safely and make your future very nice,” Grandma says.

My grandma is crying and I am too. 

“You don’t have time. Please go safely,” Grandma says. 

Again I am in the CNG. I come back in the same way. But now the situation is different. Now I am going with my blurry eyes, falling down my tears. The fresh air is heavy. My heart is burning. It seems many years of life are leaving. I am leaving my childhood. I can’t anymore.

February 

Since I am moving from my country, I have to visit some of my relatives. Today I am going to visit my sister’s house. The people in her house are nice. They are talking with us nicely. 

“Are you leaving me?” my nephew says. “How can I live without you? Who will take care of me? Whose phone will I watch cartoons on?” He says to me because from a very little age I have taken care of him.

“Do you have a big bag?” he asks.

“Why?” I ask.

“If you have a big bag, then I can hide it inside the bag and I can go with you. Can you bring me with you?”

I don’t have any words to tell him! 

He asks me again, crying, tells me, “Will you?” 

My sister says, “Okay, she will bring you, don’t cry.” 

Now, I am leaving, my nephew is crying. His mother is trying to control him and stop him crying. Still, my tears are falling just because of one reason, that I am leaving them.

During February I am just shopping and spending a busy time organizing everything. Still, I am somewhat happy that I am going to my parents.

Final moments

Today is the last night in my hometown. Very soon I am going to leave my origin, my childhood, family members, friends, and uncountable memories. Some of my cousins come to my house. Now we are just talking normally. 

My one cousin says to me, “I have to give you one last hug.” 

We both start to cry and she says, “Our laughing, memories, spending time, special occasions together is going to end, we don’t know when we’ll meet again and will see each other again.” 

“Very soon,” I say (because I don’t know that either, it is just a comfort). 

My aunt is giving me some advice. Now they are leaving my house. Finally, I realize that I will not be here anymore. I can’t sleep in this bed anymore, I can’t see this town, can’t walk the road, can’t go to school, can’t go to my relative’s house. My heart is burning just because of leaving.

Today is March 3rd. I just woke up. It’s not a normal morning. Everything is kind of heavy. Eyes are blurry. Everyone is looking at me, but not in the normal way. They watch me and try to remove their tears with soft tissue. It seems I am just speechless. 

“I am ready to go,” I tell my brother. 

I just walk and look back. I see my sisters, nephews, nieces, and their tears. One of my nephews is crying aloud and says, “Bring me with you, put me in your bag.”

Now I am on the train. I tell my nephew to go home. “You don’t have to wait.” 

“I can wait until the train goes away,” he says. 

I can’t hold my tears anymore. The train goes away. I watch how I am leaving my nephew, my familiar city. I am thinking that I always go outside with my brother and come back to him. But today is a moment I am just going with him but I can’t go back to him at home. In the final moments, my heart is burning, my breath is hot, heavy. I am just speechless. 

I give one hug to my brother and say, “Bhaiya (Brother), I am leaving!”

I can’t take my breath.

It helps me to learn that I have happiness and sadness for the same reason. And also if you want to get something you have to give something. The reason for this sadness and happiness is my leaving. My parents live in the USA. So after that long four and half years finally today I am leaving everything here to go to my parents. And also the US has a better opportunity for life. Now I am so happy that I live with my parents in the USA but still, my heart is burning for my family members who live in Bangladesh. But whenever I just miss them I just give them a video call and hang out with them virtually.

Sanjida Surovi