Beginning of 2019
From what I remember, 2019 was one of the worst years of my life. I went through a breakup and also had to deal with the pressure of school grades. Due to the pressure around me, I decided to cut my hand, which is dark, but for me I don’t know what was going through my head. While cutting my hand, I felt less pressure. Cutting my hand hurt, but from that pain, I was able to forget about the other stuff.
My depression is both physical and mental. That depression always makes me feel like I don’t need anyone around me because they can’t help with my depression and that my existence does help anyone so I’m always thinking about death. Thinking back on that time made me feel bad because what I was going through will fade away but for those out there that are going through things such as losing someone, having a disability, or other pain that will never go away which is way worse than mine.
Fall of 2019
Me and my family had a vacation to Vietnam during summer-fall 2019 and something happened to me and it completely changed my mindset. Near the end of the vacation, I was sent to the hospital for surgery due to warts under my feet. Skip over the surgery, but it was really painful, like on a scale of 1-10 it was an 11.
After the surgery, I couldn’t feel the pain much, only when I tried to walk then it hurt a bit. When I got home, I was really calm until the pain started to gain. I think because, during the surgery, they have injected an anesthetic into my feet which keeps it less painful. I walked to my room and took a nap. After waking up from the nap, that is when my life really took a turn. I LOST MY ABILITY TO WALK. After a nap, I went from a person that could walk normally to a person with a disability. At that moment, I was pretty calm on the outside but I was not okay at all. Since everyone in my family had something to do, they all left. Because I couldn’t walk, I had to crawl around the house. In order for me to get something to eat, I had to creep downstairs. For me to get down was easy but going back up was a whole journey. Imagine doing push-ups, I had to do that but backward.
During the time that I couldn’t walk and had to be alone, I started to think about people with disabilities. Those that can’t walk, see, hear, or have part of their body damaged or missing. How did they get through life? I always say that I’m not lucky to have that type of eye, nose, or body but now looking back at what I have, I feel lucky because not everyone will be able to receive that.
End of 2020
During the pandemic, I always read the news because I wanted to get updated on the Covid cases all around the world. As I read the news about cases going up, the thing that made me sad the most was the death rate. During the pandemic, there was a Vietnamese comedian who died and his wife couldn’t visit him because she was stuck in the US and unable to go to Vietnam to visit him. I felt bad for those that lost their family during the pandemic in particular. Imagine one day, waking up knowing that one of your loved ones is not here anymore. How would that feel? I mean I don’t want to know that but still.
Most of the pain that I’ve been through is more on the physical side. Thinking about those who are suffering from emotional pain makes me feel like physical pain is kinda better. Because physical pain will go away once it heals but emotional pain is harder to go through. I would be really depressed if someone that I really love leaves me. My family and friends have been around me when I was fighting through depression, when I had surgery, and during the pandemic as well, so losing them would make me go insane.
All of the experiences that I’ve been through teach me little by little. The physical pain in the past has taught me how to love myself more. The emotional pain taught me how to get through hard times. I’m not mad at what I’ve been through because the pain and the sad experiences taught me to become the strong and happy girl that I am today.
Overall, I want to say that you might be mad at what God is doing to you, whether it is making you suffer in life or making you lose something. Try to take that as a gift (a sad one) because not all gifts will be wrapped beautifully and not all gifts are easily wrapped. It might be ugly and have a lot of layers that require some of your efforts but when it finally opens you will receive something good in return. Sometimes, it takes a long time to go through stuff but it’s temporary, it’s not gonna follow you forever.
Life is temporary, everything in our life is temporary. Try to keep those positive things in life, hold on to them and enjoy those moments. For the negative energy that is around you, don’t try to think about it too much. It will go away but it is up to you whether it will go away at which speed.