Dear diary

2/23/2021

The strongest choices require the strongest of wills. It takes a lot of acceptance to make choices that impact ourselves and others. I often find that when it comes to making choices I struggle the most. As someone who often hypothesizes a lot, it takes a lot of contemplation in the brain to figure out a choice I find that is beneficial. It’s like trying to choose between two flavors of ice cream. As well as knowing that too much ice cream isn’t healthy for the body and knowing this, making the strongest choice of denying to buy ice cream. There are so many consequences when making choices that my brain often struggles with itself. A choice that may seem good at the time, can eventually be argued out. It’s summarized to be the ‘’what if” type of mindset. What if I had made this other choice? What if it doesn’t turn out the way I wanted it to? What if I’ve hurt someone because I didn’t mean to? What if it turns out all wrong? The multiverse theory is the idea of which there are many different other universes similar, but also different. Many of those can be ideally created by choices. It makes your “what if” choice a reality. The result of you choosing something else that was an option. The amount of power you hold when making a decision is eerily scary. Indecisiveness plagues and evokes a panic whenever presented with options. I never had a choice to be indecisive.

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2/25/2021

It doesn’t come as a surprise that school is stressful for everyone if not most. I’ve found that a good way to cope with it is making a schedule ahead of time or making sure to take breaks in between. Often the expectations of trying to achieve high grades and “compete” with other students cause sleepless nights, a decline in health, and overall a numbness to the mind. It’s been a rather tough week on my end. As the grades roll in for midterm, teachers find it as the time to cram as many grades, tests, quizzes, projects, you name it. It’s undeniably frustrating as a student to juggle so much work all at once. The stress it’s given me has often pushed me past my capacity and limits. The overload causes my brain to give out less quality work. I can’t help but stare at the homework of the half-quality answer I’ve given and I can’t feel the shame nor motivation to revise unless given an incentive to do so. The sleepiness blocking me from ever opening the document again. I can’t help but lay my head down as I struggle to stay awake doing the work. Wishing I could just get it over with. After all, how can I get work done when I lack the motivation and excitement to do so?

2/30/2021

Being sad is a normal thing. I’ve come to realize that feeling sad is just an emotion that comes and goes as it pleases. For different time periods, during different parts of the day. I’ve ingrained into my head that being sad is as important as being happy. There are days where it just isn’t ‘it’. I don’t feel like I’m at my best and that’s perfectly fine. It just helps me grow and better myself in that frame to make the next day even better. Taking a break and stepping back to really understand how you’re feeling and recognizing that it’s ‘one of those days’. Those days honestly really let me reflect and figure out why I’m sad, is there anything I can do tomorrow to combat it, etc. Normalizing having sad days or down days is something I feel should happen. Just like it’s okay to cry. Emotions just happen, some things are just too much and tears can be a result of it. Just as much as laughter is a result of overjoy. It happens to everyone. Not every day has sunshine and not every day has rain. However, both can occur during the same week or even back to back. After all, we need a little sunshine and rain to create a beautiful rainbow, don’t we?