Here we are. It’s October 21st, 2020. I have so many reasons to be happy. It’s my mom’s birthday; 36 years young. I have so many loving friends and people who care about me no matter what, but I can’t help but think about the things I wish I could have. I want to spend time with my love. Just want to cuddle, but I can’t. I want to feel the love, but it’s as if it’s nowhere to be found. Sometimes, all I can think about is “WHEN CAN I REALLY ENJOY MYSELF?!” Sure, the pleasantries are great and all, but I just want to hug my closest friends. It’s been quite awhile since corona hit and I feel more lonely than ever. I mean, I couldn’t even spend my birthday with anybody. MY BIRTHDAY! … Let me calm down. Stay calm and collected. Take a deep breath. Inhale … exhale.
Hey again. It’s me, Nyilah, here again to write down the way I feel because I don’t know how to be open and actually talk to somebody about it. I woke up today feeling … to be honest, I don’t know. I just kind of felt empty, like there was no specific way I felt. It’s like I’m glad that I felt nothing, like the weight of the world wasn’t weighing me down. My heart felt like a feather, blowing in the wind. Each movement, every step I took felt like nothing. I didn’t feel my feet pushing into the ground and the Earth moving backward while I moved forward; I was walking on air. It was a joyful moment and I wish it would’ve lasted longer before I had to jump back to reality. Is it wrong to want to live in an imaginary world where people were happy and didn’t want to kill themselves or have others put them down because they aren’t what everybody else is? Some days I wish I wasn’t there but then on other days, I just wish for people to notice me, because I’m so invisible. Some days, more so everyday, I can’t seem to form the right words and have a normal conversation. I guess that’s all I have to say for today. Peace out.